Parenting and older children

In any relationship, communication is the glue that keeps people together. Effective and open communication can resolve problems and avoid misunderstandings.

In a parent-child relationship also, communication is very important. Lack of proper and regular communication weakens their emotional relationship. It can make children feel unsafe and vulnerable, forcing them to seek attention outside the family.

Here are some tips to improve the communication between parents and children:

• Take small steps – Do not have high expectations right at the beginning. Just like you need to know them, they need to know you. It gets easier with time so do not give up.

• Give enough space and time – Older children or adolescents might not be willing to start communicating all of a sudden, especially if it is not familiar. Try to create an environment where each child can be themselves, even if it means sitting in silence. Slowly, they would feel more comfortable to open up.

• Make them feel comfortable – Each child is different in the way they communicate, even siblings. Make sure to adapt your communication styles to acknowledge each of their unique ways. Watch the tone of your voice, especially when you disagree.

• Give your full attention – Listen when they talk. Be tuned to the body language of the children. If they seem upset, angry or aloof, make sure you are calm.

• Treat them with respect – Everyone deserves to be respected and heard. Respect their opinion. Treat older children as adults, giving them a chance to make decisions whenever possible.

• Make talking about your day a daily routine – Make sure to talk about the best parts of your day as well as the things that upset you. Encourage your children to do the same. Set aside time every day for this. Try not to use a generic – “How was your day?” – instead ask them specific questions – “Which song did you sing at school? Who did you sit next to for lunch?”

• Give importance to their interests – Find out your children’s favourite activities and take time to participate in them. Make sure that you do something that they like for at least a few minutes every day. This will make them enjoy and look forward to the time that you spend together more.

• Focus on common interests – Have meals together as much as possible. Find topics of common interest to talk about during meals. Set aside some time to connect with your child. This can even be something as simple as playing a board game together. Make that time a no-gadget time/zone.

• Praise and show appreciation – We all make mistakes and so will your children, even when they know what to do or what is right. Instead of criticizing and pointing fingers, find out what happened or why they did it. Simultaneously, show appreciation for all their achievements, big or small. Let them know that you have noticed the effort, even if the result was not exactly what you/they had in mind.

• Avoid comparisons – All children are unique and each of them have their own wonderful qualities. Comparisons can lead them to feel unseen or unappreciated and criticized. They must never feel like they are not enough or that they need to be someone else to get your love or appreciation.

• Start your sentences with “yes” – You do not have to say “yes” to everything that your children ask for. Instead of an instant “no”, take a moment to think and reply. For example, if your child asks to have a sleepover at a friend’s house, instead of an outright “no”, say “We can talk about it and decide” or “You can go to your friend’s house but we will come pick you up after dinner”, etc.

• Do not put them down – Never blame or put your children down in front of others. Instead, pull them aside and try to find out the reason for their behaviour. If he/she does not do well in an exam, instead of saying “It is because you did not make an effort”, ask them what happened and say “Maybe we can organise timings better” or “Is there any particular subject or topic that you would like a little more help with?”

• Work together – If they come to you with your issues, try to find solutions together. Encourage them to come up with their own solutions while you gently guide them. Do not tear down the solution if it’s not the same as yours.

• Be patient – If you feel that your children are not paying attention and are looking at the phone, resist the urge to forbid using or forcefully remove the phone. Drawing boundaries, telling them about consequences and giving positive reinforcement are all important. If you feel that you may lose your temper, step away from your child and deal with the situation a little later after calming down or let someone else deal with the situation.

• Be consistent – It would be helpful for children to know what they can expect from you. Do not say one thing and do the opposite. Apologise or correct yourself when you are in the wrong.

• Do not break your own rules – Do not take your phones to the dinner table or watch tv during meals. Set a list of house rules and ensure that the whole family follows them. These can be different from what they have seen for their friends. Explain that these are specific to your family and your rationale for them.

• Be open to seeking professional help – If you ever feel that you are unable to handle things or need support, be open and willing to take help from others or therapists or counsellors.

At the onset of your parenting journey, tell yourself and your children that you are also learning to be a parent; that you might make mistakes yourself and that you will learn and do it better next time. Towards the end of journey, don’t be hard on yourself. You really have done your best, with everything that you learnt yourself and with all the resources at that point of time.

Being a single parent is also really tough so you must be kind to yourself. Follow general parenting rules and do not let guilt take over your emotions, preventing you from doing what is best for them.

Wishing you a happy parenting experience.

Article by: Mary George, Parvati Raveendran, Salma Jennath, Deepthi Jayakumar. With inputs from Retish Ambat, Waheeda Mohamed, Annie Thomas, Deepthi Suresh.